Time in photos.

Photograph 1:
One of the most unexpectedly valuable experiences while I was in Berlin was getting to leave the big city life for a few days and travel to Koldenhof, as well as Hamburg and Lubeck. This photo of Kerry was taken on the train home, when we were all exhausted from traveling to the latter destinations. I suppose Hamburg is still a relatively large city, but it felt completely different from Berlin. I didn’t like it much, to be honest. On the weekend, the red light district was brimming with college age hormonal boys and their equally clueless female counterparts. Maybe that is too cynical an observation, but anyone who claims that Europeans are far more sophisticated than Americans need go no further than Hamburg’s Reeperbahn (or any red light district, for that matter.)
Koldenhof, though ... Koldenhof was what I needed, just when I needed it. I rarely realize just how hectic and loud life in the city can be until I find myself in the country, quiet and peacefulness bearing down on me. Boating, lazing, feasting, the whole trip was ideal. Easily the best part of the experience was the opportunity we had to just spend time with each other. I felt as though I got to know everyone a bit better that weekend, the cold country air and our campfire as catalysts for tying us all together a little bit more.

Photograph 2:
The films. Luckily, most of them made quite an impression on me, so feigning interest was never necessary. I discussed Eisenberg’s Displaced Person in the first journal entry I wrote, so I’ll skip it save for saying that it was one of my favorites and I found it to be one of the more provocative pieces I had actually seen in a while. Although it may not be readily apparent, I tried to keep it in mind during filming and editing and draw on the work as inspiration for the film I created with my group.
Otherwise, Run, Lola, Run was helpful to see in terms of editing techniques to make viewing interesting, without going overboard. I liked the quick cuts and urgent music the director used to keep the pace of the film, although I’m undecided on how much I appreciated the animated sequences.
Die Mauer was excellent because it reminded me that slick studio editing and high budget filming isn’t necessary to make something interesting and thought-provoking. It was an opportunity to see a range of different shooting techniques and a fresh perspective. I happened to be quite poorly rested the day we saw Die Mauer in class, but once we passed the first 10 minutes, the film had my attention for it’s entire length (even despite the dark, cozily warm room.)
A Berlin Romance was great in the midst of heavier films, I liked being able to appreciate the bias in East versus West in its subtlety, and having Wolfgang Kohlhaase come in and share his first hand experiences was amazing.

Photograph 3:
One of the sneaky things about Berlin that I have noticed over the last several months is that the cold and dark can creep up on you when you aren’t quite expecting it. I love Berlin. I knew I loved Berlin the first time I came to visit, so coming back to live here was a great treat I looked forward to it for six entire months. I remember my first day in the city well. After spending all night awake in Hamburg, Christopher M. and I boarded a two-hour bus and arrived in the city in the late morning. I spent a few of my first hours asleep, but I was greeted by warm sun and a gentle breeze when I awoke.
Ah, Berlin in September, what a lovely place to be. Growing up in the Northwest, and spending my most recent winter in Northern California, I wasn’t fully prepared for the frigid cold of Berlin’s later months. I’ve experienced days so cold my face hurt for being exposed. Going outside was awfully difficult when I knew the cold and wind would easily bite their way through my coat, but the guilt of living in a new, exciting city for a limited time sometimes pushed me out the door. I say sometimes because, like in the photograph, I also spent a good amount of time inside in what I like to call “blanket burritos”.

Photograph 4:
My fourth photograph is of Josh Topal. I took this photo of Josh when he came with me to see a band called Beach House play in Prenzlauerberg. The show was the same night as the Mexican food potluck, though, and we spent too much time savoring the food and not enough time actually making it there in time. Turned out Beach House played first and we completely missed their set, but I was glad to spend the evening hanging out with Josh and getting to know him outside the context of the classroom.
Sometimes I am guilty of judging people and writing them off too quickly. I remember feeling a little bit nervous about the group of people who were here with me in Berlin, and thinking we weren’t going to be compatible friends. I never expected to make incredibly strong, life-long friendships, but I was pleasantly surprised by some of the people in the program. Josh is one of several. I think he is really funny, but I was lucky to meet his more serious side, too. After this photo was taken, we met up with more of the group and went crazy on the dance floor at NBI club for a night called Berlin Hilton.

Photograph 5:
Sitting in front of the computer... for hours. Readings. Not just the readings, of course, but also maintaining this strange, tenuous connection with home. Some days, all I wanted was to be able to go back home, just for a minute, to say hello. I even had dreams about it, one of which included flying to San Francisco for a two-hour stay and the sole purpose of eating a real burrito. Some days, however, I wanted to stay as far away as possible from the computer. What I can say I have absolutely learned while here is that 1. the harder you try to keep in touch with people far away, the less genuine is feels (sometimes) 2. how impossible it actually is when you are leading an entirely different life and 3. the further you stay away from the computer, the easier it is to fight the homesickness and appreciate the now.
Still, this photo calls to mind the many hours spent in front of the computer, slowly learning to use FinalCut and editing the film. I discovered pretty early on that editing wasn’t my favorite job, so I tried to sit nearby and actively contribute to editing decisions without being the actual hand on the cursor. Still, it is really difficult to sit next to a computer for hours on end without actually touching it, and this became one of my group’s main sources for tension. Too many creative ideas, often clashing, weighing on the shoulders of the special one chosen to edit that day. We finally decided to keep editing to two people at a time, but not before we spent plenty of time going in theoretical circles.

Photograph 6:
The sixth photograph is one I took while my friend Carrie was visiting. Carrie and her roommate abroad, whose name has escaped me, came to visit Berlin over four gloriously frigid days one weekend. Carrie is a friend of mine from Seattle, but she had been studying in Paris over the quarter and needed a break. I remember the email she sent to me, asking if I would host her during her visit. “You know, I really like Paris. It is beautiful here. I’ve heard good things about Berlin, though. And to be honest, I think I really just need a break from this city. Sometimes I wear my flannel out and it feels as though the whole of Paris says to me ‘Hmmm. Carrie, I really just don’t understand you and that flannel of yours” Not only was Carrie’s visit great for me because I got to spend time outside my usual Berlin social group, but also because it reminded me to appreciate this city on a whole new level.
I feel lucky to have not once felt totally out of place. Berlin, on the whole, felt comfortably accessible and friendly. The entire weekend, Carrie and her roommate would make comparisons between the two cities (often not in Paris’ favor) that would not have occurred to me, because I hadn’t spent time thinking of how it would have been different had I gone elsewhere. That was a great realization for me!

Photograph 7 & 8:
These two photos go together, in my mind. Although the lighting in the eighth photo did not turn out quite how I had hoped, I like that they show me at different distances. They represent the personal change that has occurred since I began this trip, and the distance I feel from who I was, versus who I am now. No, it hasn’t been an earth-shattering, 180 degree turnaround, though I didn’t want or expect that, anyway.
What interests me most is this intangible, vaguely unsettled feeling. Not a bad unsettledness, but as though someone took a shovel and plunged it into the ground I have been rooted in. The good upheaval. The comfort of knowing just a little bit more of myself, and I am appreciating now more than earlier how making the film here in Berlin has been part of this. Forcing myself to participate in the project, even when I felt frustrated that I wasn’t in full control or for having to concede to someone else’s vision, has been valuable. I assigned myself the role of cinematographer whenever I could and dug a niche for myself I felt comfortable with. In the end, I’m glad that I did. Sometimes one of the hardest parts of making the film was too many people with too many ideas for such a small amount of material, so focusing on something helped ground the project for me. I feel proud of what we made.

Photograph 9:
Christopher McCarter! I feel so lucky to have had him on this trip. I knew from the moment I stepped foot on the back deck at the barbecue last spring that we would get along. Traveling with Chris before the program here began was really great, and also a challenge in itself. Jet lagged days in Paris and homeless nights on the Stockholm train station floor, we experienced a lot before we even arrived in Berlin. We both took the Meyers-Briggs personality test last week and discovered we are the same type, except he is an extrovert and I am an introvert. He was my closest friend here in Berlin and although we are both strong-headed and sometimes clashed, I am sure he played a part in saving my sanity when I was tired of editing, homesick, annoyed with roommates, and a whole myriad of other fun times. He has been a good friend to me.

Photograph 10:
The Return! I am one of the last people to head homeward. I am really excited to return to the United States, I am really looking forward to eating a (semi) real enchilada, but just in the last few days, this strange nervousness has set in. Perhaps part of it is that I know so many people will want to know about my experience. This is because I haven’t even quite started to process it and don’t expect to right away. Even six months, one year or five years from now, how do you articulate an experience that is all at once life-changing and also as banal as life anywhere else? Riding my bike around the city, exploring it on my own and slowly coming to recognize streets and faces. Somehow people expect to hear that I’ve spent the last few months in a disco, using drugs and living a decidedly glamourous life. Some of the most enjoyable moments for me were actually the commonplace ones. Riding the U-Bahn. Drinking coffee in my regular cafe. The bike ride to class. The times I felt best were when I felt a part of the city and not just a visitor or spectator. As a participant, I’ve learned to appreciate Berlin beyond how I expected I could.
I wish I could say how things will be different because of my experience here, but I really have no idea until the moving forward actually happens. I expect I’ll notice in small ways and feel really content with that. I am eager to keep going and knowing and seeing, I am eager to settle back into normal life, and I will be eager to revisit Berlin one day. I expect we will both be quite different.
I love Berlin and I feel really grateful for the experience I have had here.

Week 1 & 2: "Ich spreche kein Deutsch"

I wish I had somehow been able to count how many times I have said "Es tut mir leid. Ich spreche kein Deutsch" in the past three weeks. My initial approach to excusing my lack of German skills as the famously despised American abroad was through immediate apology, no matter who it was I was talking to. I soon came to realize, with considerable relief, that a big city is just that, no matter where you go. Both comforting and, at times, disheartening, everyone is set in their own rhythm here. There isn't enough time in the day for feigned niceties and excuses. Still, Berliners have been, on the whole, welcoming and helpful. They have a hand up on my most recent experience with the kind people of Paris. In the end, people are people, no matter where we go."
I wish I had somehow been able to count how many times I have said "Es tut mir leid. Ich spreche kein Deutsch" in the past three weeks. My initial approach to excusing my lack of German skills as the famously despised American abroad was through immediate apology, no matter who it was I was talking to. I soon came to realize, with considerable relief, that a big city is just that, no matter where you go. Both comforting and, at times, disheartening, everyone is set in their own rhythm here. There isn't enough time in the day for feigned niceties and excuses. Still, Berliners have been, on the whole, welcoming and helpful. They have a hand up on my most recent experience with the kind people of Paris. In the end, people are people, no matter where we go.

I was eager to settle in Berlin after a few weeks of traveling. I feel lucky to be able to get outside the States and experience different places, but it wears me out and I inevitably look forward to staying in one place for a little while, however temporarily. Paris was beautiful, just as I remembered. As a geography major, Paris' metro system leaves me in awe. So efficient, so reliable, so vast! Stockholm was reminiscent of Seattle, all bridges and water, but after spending a homeless night on the windy and cold streets of Stockholm with Christopher (a coinciding Stockholm vs. Copenhagen football game, and a major medical conference, left the entire city booked full), the road weariness set in early. Hamburg was lovely, largely in part to our hostess Saskia and her eagerness to show us just how great Hamburg is. But I digress ... Berlin!

I lucked out. My production group consists of the four individuals in our group of students here who I seem to mesh with most, and conveniently enough, so does our collective vision of what our film should be. So far, it is more difficult than I expected to formulate a plan for a film that is cohesive, imaginative, meaningful and (most importantly) realistic, and to then execute said vision in a matter of 3 months. For me, the most daunting part may be finding the patience to learn Final Cut and spend the many hours to edit our film. I am looking forward to it, definitely, but I know it will be a test for each of us individually, and as a group. Any time you throw four people together to work on a creative project, there will be tension in figuring out whose vision prevails, or in the very least, finding some fair compromise of ideas. For me, I know this will be the biggest challenge. Pushing myself for the last year and a half to focus and improve my creative projects has been difficult in itself, and working by myself is what I have always liked best. Trying to understand how each of us comes from a unique perspective means not only can I learn from my group mates, but it also means I will have to force myself to understand that this project is not just mine, but a collective effort. Which is great! I truly cannot wait to see what comes of it.

Class is better than I expected. Perhaps I was feeling cynical about discussion based classes after an awkwardly quiet, lopsided discussion group on Miyazaki films Spring quarter, but so far there seems to be equal contribution, and my classmates are fueling the conversation with thoughtful comments. The first film we watched in class, Daniel Eisenberg's Displaced Person, is everything I love about experimental film making, and it provided some great inspiration for the film project here. Repetitive, ambiguous images. Thought-provoking narration. It may be more abstract than we are aiming for, but it got the wheels turning, nonetheless. The reason I initially became interested in studying film was because it can elicit feeling before the viewer can comprehend a deeper meaning. I am still unsure exactly what Eisenberg was saying with his film, but his execution of images and sound, artfully strung together to form something that unsettled me, made a lasting impression and was a solid start for the class.

Personally, this first film we watched only strengthened my desire to explore cinematography as a part of my film group this quarter. As a photographer, I want to be able to capture an image I see in an aesthetically pleasing way. Over the last few days, I have been drawing sketches in my notebook of different photographs I would like to take while I am here, mostly involving a human subject. A few days ago while we were on the metro, I was trying to describe to Chris M. these particular shots and was telling him that I was frustrated I had ideas for 35mm shots of my own, but not particularly for our film. "Why not find a way to use them for the film, then?". Ok! So finding a way to translate what I am used to, film I can print into a single still image, to a moving photograph, is the real challenge here. I am taking what I know and building on it. I knew that was the goal all along, but it doesn't necessarily come easy. Luckily, I think the general sentiment of our group project caters well to the kinds of images I am drawn to lately, so now I am just trying to find a way to extend those momentary visuals into indefinite images without them losing meaning. I think it will take a great deal of experimenting, a great deal of footage (good thing for our external hard drives) and a lot of learning how to manipulate via editing.

Overall, our theme of movement within the city and its different forms, and of experiencing the city and the feelings it evokes (excitement, isolation, fatigue, being overwhelmed, feeling connected to something intangible) lends itself to how I am feeling on a daily basis. I adore Berlin.

Guess what.

I'm going to Berlin. Sweet, dude.